One fat geek's SUCCESSFUL attempt to regenerate into a not-so-fat geek by watching the entirety of Doctor Who while walking on a treadmill

Goodbye, Barbara, You'll Always Be a Goddess

Apr 02 2017
Goodbye, Barbara, You'll Always Be a Goddess

I knew today was coming, I was prepared, and it doesn't make me any less bummed. Today was the last episode with Barbara Wright, who is a goddess. Oh, Sir Ian Chesterton, Knight of Jaffa and King of Pratfalls also left, but he is instantly replaced with Ian 2.0 (also known as Steven Taylor). Also -- and this is important -- Ian is not a goddess. But before we get to the parting, we have to struggle through walking fungus, a Life Model Decoy of the Doctor, and an epic battle between the Daleks and the Mechonoids.

Let's talk about that.

The Death of Doctor Who

There are a lot of science fiction tropes I absolutely hate. Among them is the stupid and lazy doppelgänger scene, which always involves dialogue like "I'm the real Doctor, that's the fake!" "No, I'm the real Doctor, that's the fake." But, Terry Nation has a car payment to make and no apparent desire to actually earn his paycheck, so here we are. The TARDIS materializes on the planet Mechonus, where one might expect gleaming metal towers overflowing with robots but instead we get a swamp filled with giant carnivorous mushrooms. There's some boring stuff about avoiding the scary fungus and finding a cave, but the bomb that the Doctor has built isn't safe to use in an enclosed space. Meanwhile, Vicki escapes from the Dalek time machine, is attacked by some murderous mildew, and is rescued by the Doctor and Ian when they hear Vicki's scream. While they are gone, the Replicant Doctor created by the Daleks at the end of the last episode enters the cave and tries to kill Barbara, which leads to the inevitable "No, I'm the real..." idiocy when the rest of the group returns, and then a brief fight, and then the stupid robot is killed and we can move on and pretend it never happened.

Then they all head back to the cave and take a nap. Like, seriously, in order to pad running time there is a prolonged sequence where they all settle down in the cave and fall asleep. As I was plodding away on the treadmill I was fantasizing about the excitement and action that could have been had by watching some paint dry instead. Finally morning rolls around, and they wake up to discover that there is an entire city built up on columns high above the swamp, which they couldn't see the night before in the dark. Right about then the Daleks show up and corner them in the cave. They are just about to be exterminated, when a door opens up and giant spherical Mechonoid invites them to come into the elevator to escape.

The Planet of Decision

So yeah, sure, they get into the elevator to escape the Daleks and wind up in the elevated city, where they are promptly locked up like specimens in a zoo. There they meet Steven Taylor, who has been stranded on the planet Mechonus for the past two years since his spaceship crashed. It turns out the Mechonoids are robots that were sent from Earth to prepare the planet for colonization, but then Earth got distracted by something else pretty and shiny and never sent any pilgrims. Without having the correct passcode, the Mechonoids treated Steven as a prisoner and now they do the same with the rest of the group. Fortunately the Daleks show up for a big showdown with the Mechonoids, while all the humans skip on up to the roof of the building and then use a handy cable to climb back down to the swamp.

There is a bit where Ian wobbles on the edge of the roof for a second, in one last near-pratfall for old time's sake.

There is also a bit where Barbara nearly falls off the edge, and Ian has to grab onto her to keep her from going over. He very delicately grabs her by the waist band of her pants and pulls her back up. So yes, after two consecutive stories with Ian getting Barbara out of her sweater, he finally gets into her pants. Barely.

During the chaos of the scene, Steven runs back into the building to rescue his teddy bear, because he is clearly insane. He is presumed dead by the rest of the group, after the whole complex collapses in smoke and flames.

With all of the Daleks dead, and their time machine empty, Ian and Barbara realize that this is their chance to go home. The Doctor, being a waspish prick, refuses to allow them to use it, giving some stupid argument about it being too dangerous. Vicki convinces him to change his mind, and then Ian and Barbara are successfully sent back to 1965 England, safe and sound. The Doctor and Vicki depart in the TARDIS, where one presumes that Steven Taylor has managed to stow away.

Farewell, Barbara. I was surprised by how much I fell in love with you as a character. When the writers allowed it, Jacqueline Hill's performance was both fierce and nuanced. I wish she had gotten a better story to go out on. But I'm glad she was around for the two years she spent on the show.

STATS:

Doctor(s): First
Companion(s): Vicki, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright
Pratfall(s): 1 half-hearted wobble
Episode(s): The Death of Doctor Who, The Planet of Decision
Steps Walked: 6,769 today, 265,659 total
Distance Walked: 3.21 miles today, 121.37 miles total
Weight: 294.30 lbs (five day moving average), net change -13.00 lbs


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