Today was the first of two consecutive Christmases. It is also my thirteenth wedding anniversary. In about an hour I will be going out to a very nice dinner with my wife, so I am getting this out of the way first so I can just go out and have a lovely romantic evening and forget about you, my dear imaginary readers.

So let's talk about the end of River Song's storyline.

The Husbands of River Song

(TARDIS Data Core recap)

After so much serious and weighty plotting, this Christmas special is almost entirely a romp. Yes, the final scene is a bit weepy, but on the whole it just aspires to be a fun little adventure with the Doctor and River Song. The twist being that it effectively mirrors the relationship in River's first story Silence in the Library / Forest of the Dead, with the Doctor knowing all about her while she remains oblivious to his true identity. She believes she knows all twelve of the Doctor's faces, and even has a fold-out wallet with photos of all of them (including the War Doctor). She also believes that Eleven was the end of the road, having no idea that the Time Lords had granted him a full new regeneration cycle at the end of The Time of the Doctor.

So, River is on a caper in which she has become the wife of a galactic dictator named Hydroflax whose head is grafted onto a giant robot body, and whose head also contains the most valuable gem in the universe because of Reasons. As she stresses several times, she married the diamond and not the man. The whole story is one long con in which she makes off Hyrdroflax' head with the intention of scooping out the diamond and selling it to the highest bidder. The Doctor becomes involved when he is mistaken for a surgeon that River has contracted to extract the head.

Hijinks ensue.

The story also introduces Matt Lucas as Nardole, who will go on to become the Doctor's companion for the remainder of Twelve's tenure. You just can't go wrong with Matt Lucas. I adored him as Thenardier in the 25th anniversary concert production of Les Miserables, and he is very funny here. Even after he is decapitated and absorbed into Hydroflax' semi-sentient robotic body, he does some spectacular head-acting.

Ultimately, though, the whole thing drives towards the final scene in which the Doctor gives River Song the sonic screwdriver that figures so prominently in Forest of the Dead, and finally puts on a real suit and takes her to dinner  on Darillium next to the Singing Towers for their final night together. Twelve and River actually make a beautiful (and age-appropriate) couple, and it is a nice surprise when it turns out that a night on Darillium lasts twenty four years. The closing shot features the caption "...and they both lived happily ever after", which then fades to just, "...and they both lived happily".and then simply to "happily" - a fitting end to the River Song story arc. 

Honestly, at this point it felt like Steven Moffat had said everything he meant to say with the program, and this should have been the point where he stepped away. I am pretty sure it was the Powers that Be at the BBC who convinced both Moffat and Capaldi to come back for one more year, and then only because new show runner Chris Chibnall wasn't yet available to take over. Which is how we got an entire year without new episodes, another Christmas story tomorrow, and then one-season companion Bill Potts to tread water in 2017 until Chibnall was ready to take the helm. It was a sound business decision, and I like Pearl Mackie just fine as Bill Potts, but it just reinforces the notion to me that Peter Capaldi got a raw deal as the Doctor from a writing standpoint. He should have had three amazing seasons, and instead he got one awful season, one amazing season, and one generally okay season. 

What a shame.

STATS:

Doctor(s): Twelfth
Companion(s): River Song, Nardole
Episode(s): The Husbands of River Song
Steps Walked: 8,377 today, 3,527,177 total
Distance Walked: 4.40 miles today, 1,845.04 miles total
Push-ups Completed: 0 today, 6,747 total
Sit-ups Completed: 0 today, 1,029 total
Weight: 246.48 lbs (five day moving average), net change -60.82 lbs